‘Til I Wake and It’s Real
by StoryDiva
Summary: Post X3 Rogue thought everything would be normal now, but it's beginning to look like that was too much to ask for.


**A/N:** Written for the XMen Movieverse Ficathon. Spoilers for X3. Much love to Steph and Jen for the beta work. Feedback always appreciated. Enjoy!

**Crossposted:** X-Men Ficathon Archive, my livejournal & website

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'**Til I Wake and It's Real**

It was the same dream every night; I moved through the school, an energy coursing through me that I was unaccustomed to, a power that made me hungry for more, made me less…me.

Whoever I was – Rogue? Marie? Someone I didn't know yet?

I was still trying to figure that out when I awoke with a start. With the voices of students I had touched in my dream fresh in my head, I repeated my morning mantra of late – _it's just a dream, just a dream, just…a…dream _– and made my way to the bathroom. I splashed water over my face and stared at myself in the mirror.

The cure was supposed to fix things for me, supposed to help me make sense of who I was and give me some semblance of normality. It wasn't working out quite like I had hoped. I felt even more disconnected from everyone, always the biggest outcast in a school of them, and being able to kiss and hug and touch didn't do a damn thing to make it better. I was a non-mutant who was going to a mutant school. Worse, in the eyes of the others, I was a girl who chose to view her mutation as something that needed a cure and that was unforgivable in most of my classmates' eyes.

And then there was Bobby. Sweet, misguided Bobby, who I always wanted to love properly but never quite could. The cure was supposed to change that. The cure was going to help us relate to each other better.

Bobby didn't understand the dreams. He didn't understand much of anything when it came to me. He would pat my hand and keep smiling and tell me that it would take time to get used to the changes.

I would resist the urge to roll my eyes, forcing a smile I didn't feel and telling him that of course he was right. I didn't believe it for a second as Bobby forced quick kisses onto my cheeks and lips, but it was easier to play along. It was weird to admit, but we were better suited for each other when we couldn't be together. It was as though being cured removed the blindfold from our eyes about what we were to each other, only neither of us really had the courage to admit it. Bobby felt too guilty, thinking I took the cure for him (as only a boy could), and I liked having someone around who would touch me, someone who reminded me that my dreams weren't real.

I forced myself away from the bathroom mirror, ignoring the sunken cheeks and dark circles under my eyes. I went through the motions of my early morning, ignoring the stares from classmates as I made my way to the dining hall.

Bobby was waiting for me like usual, but there was something in his eyes that was different. He took my hand and rather than leading me to breakfast, he pulled me down an abandoned hallway.

He stared at me for a moment and said, "Something happened last night. Professor Storm isn't sure what's going on, but…"

"Is everyone okay?"

"Yeah, a few of the younger kids are insisting that someone came into their rooms and used their powers on them."

"God, are they okay?" Off the look on Bobby's face, I prompted him. "Bobby, what's going on?"

"The kids think it was you."

"Me?"

"And then I remembered those dreams you told me about…"

"They were just dreams, Bobby. I don't have powers anymore," I replied as calmly as I could muster. To prove the point (though whether it was for him or me, I didn't know), I reached out and kissed him. I ran my fingers up his arms and shoulders until they interlocked behind his head. I pulled away and said, "See…completely harmless."

"I know, but—"

"—but nothing. I didn't attack anyone. Even if I still had my powers, I wouldn't attack any of the students."

Bobby nodded and said, "Logan's looking for you. He wanted to talk to you before you faced everyone else."

"Okay."

"We're on your side, Rogue."

"Sure, you are. This is great. Like I wasn't already a big enough freak, now most of the students are convinced I'm trying to kill them," I paused and ran my hands over my face, taking a deep breath as I did it. I continued, "You don't believe me and Logan won't believe me either."

"I believe you," Bobby replied.

He reached for my hand like it was a moment of solidarity, like he was the one being accused of horrible things, but I pulled back and said, "I should talk to Logan alone."

"Are you sure?"

I smiled. "I can handle Logan."

"Okay," he replied with a quick kiss.

I kept smiling until he was out of sight and then I allowed myself to slide down the wall until I was on the floor. I lifted my knees to my chest and rested my chin there, trying to make sense of what this meant.

_You can't ignore us forever, Rogue, we're a part of you._

Shut up.

_There is no such thing as a cure for who you are._

Shut up, shut up, shut up.

I was starting to think I had completely lost my mind. The voices, the ones that had been gone from my head for over a month, were suddenly buzzing around again. I took a few deep breaths.

Stupid Bobby freaked me out. Obviously, I couldn't have done what I supposedly had.

Right?

I glanced up when I heard the loud crunch of Logan's boots on the floor. I forced a small smile when he turned the corner.

"Hey kid, I've been…" Logan's voice trailed off as his hands cupped my face and he asked, "Are you okay?"

"I don't know."

"Did that stupid boyfriend of yours…"

"Yes, he told me."

Logan growled and pulled me up onto my feet. He kept his hands on my shoulders as though he had to steady me. His eyes glimmered with a trace of concern (Logan thought he was so tough and capable of hiding things like that, but I always saw it) and he said, "I told him to let me handle it."

"He was worried about me," I replied with a shrug. I slid out of Logan's grip and said, "But it's ridiculous. I'm cured, Logan."

"Yeah, we know, but the cameras…"

"What?"

"It has to be a mutant with powers like Mystique, someone who can take on your appearance."

I nodded. That had to be it.

_Silly little girl, you can't get rid of us that easily._

I clutched my head and said, "Stop it."

Logan's arms immediately went back to my shoulders and he motioned to an office. He said, "I think we need to talk, kid."

"I'm fine."

"Like hell you are."

"I had a nightmare last night. That's all. After effects," I replied, trying to wave him off. I turned to walk away, but Logan's grip tightened on my shoulder. I sighed and allowed him to lead me into the office. I took a seat in the chair, folded my arms protectively across my chest, and said, "So, let's get this over with."

"What was your nightmare about?"

I shrugged. "Same 'ole." Off the look on his face, I let out a frustrated sigh and responded, "I've been having these dreams where…my powers are back, but they're different, much stronger…and I'm…"

"You're?"

"I'm not really me anymore."

"What?"

"Well, I'm me, but much more like Magneto would be if he had my powers. Unafraid, full of anger, and…I would bend people to my will, take from them what I needed, and move on."

"Jesus, kid."

I shook my head and said, "But they're _dreams_, Logan." I reached out and touched his hand. I added, "Like I told Bobby, I don't have any powers. I can touch people."

"Jean was…"

"I'm not Dr. Grey."

"I think it deserves looking into."

I covered my face with my hands and said, "I'm trying to be normal, Logan, and you're looking at me like I'm insane."

"I don't think you're insane."

"They were only dreams."

"I hope so."

"What does that mean?" I asked.

"It means I'm going to get Storm and you're going to tell us more about these dreams."

I scowled. "For the record, I don't like this sudden concerned teacher thing you've got going."

"Take a number," he muttered. He stood up and pointed at me, "Stay here. I'll be right back."

"Gotta keep the freak away from the rest of the school," I mumbled. Logan ignored my comment and left the office. I stood up and moved over to the window overlooking the gardens.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was cured.

_You should embrace your gifts instead of running from them._

"Why is it always your voice? Why can't it be John or Logan?"

_Because they'll tell you what you want to hear._

"I hate you."

_I'm a part of you. _

"Not anymore. I'm cured. I'm not a mutant anymore."

"Rogue…"

I spun around at the cautious sound in Storm's voice as she entered followed by Logan. I watched Logan shut the door and I knew this wasn't going to end well. They didn't believe that I was innocent or that there was a shapeshifter mutant using my likeness. They thought that I was attacking people. That my dreams were more than dreams…

And I couldn't say that I wasn't worried about that myself. Those dreams had plagued me for the last two weeks, getting more and more vivid and real with each passing night. I kept telling myself that it would go away, that my mind was trying to make sense of all the new changes in my body.

I couldn't be sure though. What if I had done it?

The feelings from the dream invaded my consciousness, the fearlessness of my powers, the way I could wear the gloves and still suck the energy out of a person. It was like a drug, an intensity that I had never felt before and I wanted to keep feeling it…so I kept moving, urged on by the voices, the one voice.

"Rogue, Logan is worried about you and so am I."

I nodded. What was there to say?

"Tell me about these dreams."

I sighed. "They're dreams. Nightmares."

"Are they set in the school?"

"Not always."

"What about last night? Did you have this dream?"

"Yes, but—"

"—and was it set in the school?"

I shut my eyes and replied, "Yes."

"And what about the voices?"

"The voices?" I replied. I totally sucked at wide-eyed and innocent. Logan glared at me and I relented, "It's mostly Magneto I hear, but not a lot."

"Great, she has a psycho whispering in her ear," Logan commented.

"He's been in my head for a long time. That doesn't prove anything," I countered. There was nothing worse than thinking some part of me was listening to Magneto's voice…but both Logan and Storm appeared to believe that it proved a hell of a lot.

I watched as Logan and Storm exchanged glances. Storm moved over next to me, cautiously, the way she would approach a feral cat, and said, "We're going to help you, Rogue."

"They were dreams."

"We hope so, but it's a pretty big coincidence," she replied. "Can you tell us more about the dreams?"

"They're always set at different places, but the overall feeling is the same. In the dreams, I embrace my powers, use them to collect the powers from other mutants that I want or feel like I need at any given moment. If I want to become invisible, I take it from a mutant that has that power. Never taking enough to kill them, but plenty to fill me with the energy and power I'm seeking…" I stopped and chewed on my lip. I should've said something sooner, should've known that those dreams were more than stupid nightmares.

"It's okay, Rogue," Logan said.

It was a lie. We both knew it.

"There was a part of me though…a part that wanted to take as much as I wanted and damn the consequences."

"But you didn't, Rogue. No one is dead," Storm stated.

"They have to be dreams. They have to be. I'm supposed to be cured."

I wanted to collapse on the floor, curl up into a ball and stay that way for the rest of eternity. I was trying to adjust to being normal. It wasn't quite what I had imagined, but it was better than what I was before. And they were looking at me like I was still a monster, like I was still that girl that sucked the life out of whoever came too close.

"Logan's going to stay with you while I make some calls. See if we can find any other cases of powers resurfacing in those who took the cure."

"If I wasn't cured, how would I be able to touch people?"

"No one knows what's going on here, Rogue, but students were attacked and that can't happen again."

"I'll leave."

"You're not going anywhere," Logan stated.

"I'm not a mutant anymore, so I shouldn't even be here…"

"You're a part of this family," Storm interrupted. She smiled at me and said, "We take care of our own."

"And you both think I'm still…that I still have my mutant powers?"

"Maybe. Maybe they're just dormant and your subconscious is able to tap into them? Maybe the cure simply alters the way they appear…maybe it gave you more control over them?" Storm said.

"You both think it was me." When they didn't say anything, I replied, "It's okay. I…I think it was me too. I don't understand how, but the dreams…they're too real."

Storm patted my cheek and said, "But we won't know anything until we do some investigating."

I glanced at Logan and he gave me that look that I trusted more than anything, the one that said nothing would happen to me as long as he was around. I nodded and said, "I guess I'm your guinea pig then."

"Rogue…"

I cut Storm off, "It's okay. I don't want to hurt anyone and if I somehow…if I'm the one who attacked the kids last night, I want to stop it before it happens again."

She hugged me and then hurried out of the office, off to gather information.

I focused my gaze on Logan, who was watching me intently, and said, "I'm not going to snap and go on a spree. You don't have to babysit me."

"That's not what I'm doing."

"I thought I was free of this."

"Would it be so bad if your powers were still there?"

"Yes."

"Even if it was what Storm suggested? That you could control who it affected and who it didn't?"

I sighed. "I wanted to be normal, Logan. It's all I've ever wanted in my life. And if my powers are back, who's to say it would always be in my control? What if I let my guard down around someone and hurt them?"

"That's life, kid," Logan replied. He stepped across the room until he was standing right in front of me.

I hugged him and said, "So much for a cure, huh?"

Logan chuckled and replied, "Doesn't matter to anyone here."

"I'm attacking people in my sleep. I think that might matter to the other students."

"You're not doing it on purpose and now that we're aware of what's going on, we can take care of it."

I nodded, but my mind wandered. "What if…"

"Yeah?"

"What if I turn into the girl in my dreams? What if I love the power too much and can't let it go?"

"That's not you."

"I didn't think I could attack a bunch of my classmates to claim their powers for myself either, but I did it."

"You weren't aware of what was going on. None of us were."

"Logan, what if…"

"I won't let anything happen to you. I promise."

I smiled, for the first time all morning, because I believed him. He made it sound so simple and possible. That even if my powers were back, even if I was some crazy lunatic of a mutant who did horrible things in her dreams, it would all work out.

I might not get that normal life I craved, but I wasn't alone either.

That had to count for something.

_Fin_


End file.
